Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Oh god it's open bar.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
