So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
