Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
