My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
