I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
