shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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