You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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