and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
