Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize