My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Someone signed my nipple.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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