The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
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Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
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Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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