So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
