Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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