Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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