You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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