I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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