Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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