so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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