ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
