literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
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we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
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Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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