I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
