just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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