So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
