Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
