i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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