Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
