If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
