Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
