If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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