just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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