not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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