Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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