I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
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I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
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I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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