Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
