Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
