you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
