I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
