So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So many bounce houses so little time
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
