i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
