why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
