4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
