she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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