that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone says I win the strip club
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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