How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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