When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
