apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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