I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just blew my weed a kiss
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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