what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize