i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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