Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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