He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
