After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
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This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
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mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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