I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
