apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
